June

Writing this makes it real

Is it to honour you and keep you eternally here

Or is it rude

Because words will never do justice

Not to you

Not to anyone who knew you

Maybe it is for me

To finaly accept what is real

I still don't

Even your name makes me uncomfortable

Saying it out loud will only mean you existed

You did 

But now it is just in my fevered dreams

Every night 

Making me scared to fall asleep

Because i know i will not want to wake up, wanting to give you one last kiss

To be there for the last goodbye 

Because no matter how frightening

I will never give up on you 

But i did 

When you needed me the most

When i needed you the most

I was not there

I was too late

And it's not hate which darkens the heart

It's regret which leaves one in despair until the end 

Desperate to correct it even when i have no control

Grasping at lose ends, never wanting to open my eyes

But i have to

Because not everyone believes in magic

I do

In you

A magic far beyond anyone's understanding

A love so precious it needs to be kept hidden

Death is never delayed, they say

But noone told me it will be the last hug

That it will be last time you will ever comfort me 

It took me the longest to write this

A year

And when i finaly got to it

Between tears and long pauses and a train ride

I knew there was no closure

Not for these words, not for me

I will always carry the pain of having to imagine what your last breath sounded like 

I will always carry the pain of not knowing your agony in those moments

And how hard you fought to stay with the people who loved you

I can only imagine

And try to remember my dreams

The only place where I can save you now

The only way for me to never let go of this regret 

Because it is the only reality I can hold onto

June will always be a reminder that without you, I am nothing. 

It will always be a reminder that I have lost my life forever. 

*Painting by Rob Gonsalves